tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
