You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
