I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
