Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
