Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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