woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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