I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
