evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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