Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
