meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
