I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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