I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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