I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
