i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
