the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just had sex on a roof
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
