You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
