you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
