I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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