I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
