I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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