Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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