If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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