rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
