and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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