Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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