im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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