It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My hand turned me down
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
