I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
