I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
