My first STD was from a foam party
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
