i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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