my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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