I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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