I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
