Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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