I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
