Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
