why didn't you poke me back
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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