i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
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That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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