My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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