tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
