I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
