; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
honey bunches of taint.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
