Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
