I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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