the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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