I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
