I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
