I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize