Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
