I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
