how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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