We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
