fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
