afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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