Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
