i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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