Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Please don't give away my fajitas
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
